Phil and I

I recently had a conversation with Phil that made me realise that I am getting to the age where I no longer want to be endlessly polite to people being incredibly annoying.

After a number of programmes that I had tried to record on HD TV became pixels of greens and yellows with voices that would have made the nervous start dialing emergency numbers I rebooted the dvr, unplugged the tv, plugged everything back in and waited. The issue continued.

Forced to phone the help line I waited, and waited, and waited until a polite male voice informed me that he, Phil, was going to help me. Well, I thought to myself, this is going to be fun. Both Phil and I have what Americans like to call "accents" as they assume that they are without any accent. Phil was clearly not in Chicago. I was in Boston. Neither of us were natives. By the time two minutes had passed I accepted that Phil was most probably in Mumbai. I had to repeat every third word until I began to feel that perhaps spelling each word would be quicker.
"What does the message on the screen say?" Phil asked.
'Why can't you people fix these minor problems yourself' was the subtext.
'Because your company's system is flaky!' was the responding subtext.
I told Phil what the message was that had appeared on the screen. There was a pause.
"Please check the cable .."
I interrupted Phil, "I have and it is secure."
"It is ... excuse me I did not understand," Phil spoke slowly as if I had received a knock to the head and he was checking on my condition.
"It is secure. It's okay. It's .." the Thesaurus fell open. "Fixed firmly in place."
"It is fixed?" his voice lifted with relief.
"The cable is okay," I repeated. "The problem is still there."
"The cable must be there for you to receive ..."
I took a deep breath, "The c-a-b-l-e is not the problem."
"The," pause. "The cable is okay."
"Yes."
"Then push the power button ..."
"I've tried that."
"And hold it .."
"I've already tried that."
"For the count of 10."
"Okay," I surrendered for a few minutes. "It is still not working."
"Wait for the screen .."
"It is still not working!"
"To show the message .."
"IT IS STILL NOT WORKING!"
"When the message .."
"Phil? Are you there Phil?"
"Appears ..."
"Phil how is the weather where you are?"
"You must wait ..."
"Phil I'm 52 and my patience is wearing a little thin."
"To see if the numbers on the screen ..."
"How old are you Phil?"
"Change. If they change .."
"Phil I suspect that there is at least one ocean separating us which is most probably just as well. I realise that you are reading the instructions but could you ple ..."
"If they change that is good."
"Have you heard a word that I have said? And the numbers have not moved."
"If they do not move then you may need a representative to come to your house."
I took a deep breath.
"When could some one come out?"
"The cable is out? That is not good."
"No. The cable is not out. When can some one come ..."
"You have a visitor?"
"No Phil I am having some sort of mental break down but please don't stop reading from your script. Oh look I am now on the roof top. The view is amazing."
"Is there a cable there?"

I disconnected and kicked the chair, the table and just missed the tv. Oh well there was nothing much to watch anyway.