No Way Maze

Once upon a time I thought that attempting to walk a maze might be one of those calming experiences where you find yourself contemplating the glory of summer as you walk through the brilliant green of maize that is five heads taller than you.

Once upon a time I thought that there might be fairies at the bottom of the garden.

Once upon a time was a very long time ago.

A very, very long time ago.

The idea of a maze is interesting.  Everyone begins at the beginning and the fortunate few exit half an hour later still engaged in a caring relationship with those with whom they entered the maze.  Some exit forty five minutes later with a few wry smiles and a strong desire to find a pub.  Then others trip out of the maze after an hour with no words uttered other than "I'll call ... sometime."  Others ... well let me say that others have a rescue party sent in to find them as the setting sun scorches the top of the trees on the far side of the maze that is now bathed in the interesting gray of early evening.

The first group posts pictures of themselves in the maze.  They phone each other after a few weeks to arrange to do another maze.  The second talk about doing another maze but instead order another round of drinks.  The third do not ever think about doing another one, mainly because they no longer associate with each other.  The fourth joke about the experience, post a few pictures and at the next Thanksgiving discuss who was the idiot who directed them four times back the way they had already been.  The resulting hurt feelings are racked up for further discussion the next Thanksgiving.  Eventually the grandchildren are recounting the story to their offspring as they look at the photos from the vacation when people wore those ridiculous fashions.

Not far from were I live there is a corn maze (maize maze).  It is large.  I have driven pass it and considered rallying the family with words of encouragement such as .... monetary reward ... and attempting it.  But then a cloud passes overhead and in the dull light I realise that it is not so inviting.  It is dark.  It is large and it reminds me of a story from ancient Crete.

Of course the joy of traveling is that when one is away from home the euphoria of not doing the daily dishes, cooking the evening meal, or cleaning the house creates an atmosphere of pseudo bravery.  Or perhaps it is an atmosphere where rational behaviour is cast aside in favour of a desire to attempt different activities from those that one normally undertakes. What ever the reason, or lack thereof, I enthusiastically agreed to join the Vacation Gang as they made their plans to attempt a maze in the area. 

Up until that point the vacation had been checkered in terms of success.  There had been a case of heat exhaustion that resulted in a midnight ER visit, followed by scenes that would have put a soap drama to shame.  Then there had been the flaring tempers that usually follow sleep deprivation and the long drawn out silences that follow flaring tempers.   A family vacation is not worthy of its title unless there are a few hours of torturous misery involved.

By the third to last day the maze seemed a good idea.  Exactly why I have no idea.   The creator of the maze gave us absolutely useless information before we stepped into the maze still fill of what might be referred to as enthusiasm.

With two very little people,  a person who dislikes enclosed spaces, a person who finds it difficult to walk for long and does not do well in heat, another who already had serious doubts about the undertaking and a person who felt fill of energy and bounce we entered the maze.

Allow me to digress with some useful information.

Before entering a maze take a note of your surroundings.  Look up to see if there are any distinguishing features that rise above the maize.  Trees ... look for the trees.  Remember where they are in relation to where you are standing.  Think about your cardinal points.  Where are you entering the maze. 

Oh yes and take a snack, a hat, three bottles of water each, some Gatorade, chocolate, a compass, bread crumbs and a brightly coloured piece of extremely long string.  Check your cell phone reception - can you get google earth? 

So we entered having a small bottle of water each, no snack, no Gatorade, no compass, no crumbs and sadly no string!  Oh yes and poor cell phone reception. 

In the normal course of events the Vacation Gang find a degree of amusement in most joint ventures.  We can chuckle, even laugh and share humour in the moans but that really depends on the duration of the activity.  When you chuck in heat, humidity, towering increasingly threatening ten feet high maize plants planted close together communications can rapidly become comments along the lines of:
"Really ... you can't even find the laundry basket at the end of the bed how can you possibly know ..."
"Haven't we passed these stalks before?"
"Footsteps! Oh yippy ... oh bugger it they are ours!"
"Who the hell thought this would be fun?"
"Can we go back the way ... no I guess that isn't going to @%$&#( work," hopeful tone," Is it?"
"Look Mama rocks - can I look for worms?
Walk child - walk! (mother)
Calm down! (Father)
Calm down ... you didn't just tell me to CALM DOWN did YOU?" (chorus).

Half an hour passed.  The heat was up to 93F, humidity 83%, sweat 100%, misery 86%, chances of escaping the maze before dark 12%.

Forty five minutes and the conversation had become:
"I'm sure we were here ten minutes ago."
"Can we please, please, PLEASE, just walk through the maize ..."
"These aren't tears - it's ^%$#$& sweat which you would know if you bothered to do anything other than blather on about how much @%^#()#)(**  fun this is (sic)."
"Is that puddle completely out of the question as a water source?"
"Can you walk any slower? Because if you can please do since that would make this fun last even longer!"
"Mama I think I saw a worm!"
"Where there are worms there must be damp earth ... water ... Oh my god why did I let you talk me into ..."
"No one talked anyone else into ..."
"I told you people this wouldn't be fun."
"When exactly was that?"
"I can't remember - is it me or is it getting even hotter?"
"Oh dear god please please please can we walk through the maize ..."
"Which direction?"
"I DON'T CARE about the worms! I am going to become fodder for them in about ten seconds unless I get the %$#@!&^% hell out of here!"
"Don't vent at the child."
"That wasn't venting that was a statement of fact!"
""Can we please, please start screaming for help."
"Never surrounder!"
"Okay Winston you go ahead and lead us out of here."

Sixty three minutes after entering the maize the now dehydrated and dazed adults are stumbling behind who ever wishes to pretend that that they have even the vaguest of ideas as to which direction to take.  I spot a green knoll and silently begin my funeral oration (of course if I am to be laid upon the green then clearly I would not be making a speech but since I am now planning the demise of anyone who asks how I am doing there is still the possibility that I may make a speech).  My eyes brighten as more sweat pours into them at the same time as I notice that the knoll would make a good Life Flight landing place. 

Seventy eight minutes ... three of the adults are obviously delusional which is proved by their laughter.  Everything uttered is considered hysterically amusing.  I hang back in the hope that when the last of their wits are gone I will be able to lunge through the corn dragging the children with me to safety.

Eight two minutes after entering the maze:
"Well we are in a maze ... Google earth confirms it."
"Give me the *&&^ ^%^@%   &&^**&^%$   $#@@% phone if you aren't going to use it to summon help."
"Don't swear in front of the children!"
"Really - that's your major concern right now? Do you see the thunder clouds? Do you realise it will be dark in about ten minutes? But please don't swear in front of the children?"

Eight four minutes:
"There's light over there ... a gap ... a way out of hell?"
"I'm making a break for it!"
"Don't damage the corn!"
"FUCK the FUCKING corn! And fyi it's FUCKING MAIZE!"
"Stop shouting!"
"Get the duck out of my mucking way before I bucking injure you!"
"You aren't enjoying yourself anymore?"

We fell out of the maze ninety five long and terrible minutes after entering it.  The owner had sent someone to find us as the sky darkened, thunder was heard and the chance of us spending the night in the maze in a storm increased.  She waved.  We stalked to the cars.  She smiled. We glowered.

The rest of the vacation was a piece of cake!