Dear Britian

Dear Britian,

We understand that your Prime Minister says that there will be referendum some time, should his party be re-elected, to determine whether or not you will stay in the EU.  We are concerned about you, as one is about an aged great-grandmother who seems particularly frail, so we would like to offer you an alternative: become our 51st State.

There are any number of benefits. Here are a few:

1)  Your indoor plumbing facilities will dramatically improve!  No more trickling showers, sharing a bathroom at the B&B, toilets with quaint flushing mechanisms, hot water that runs out after a single shower and much more is offered by surrendering to us;

2) We offer you drinkable coffee instead of that insipid grey stuff that you so quaintly refer to as coffee; We have more Starbucks!

3) As the 51st state you will receive full status as a member of the USA which means that you will now be permitted to sell drinks, food, among other products with out having to adhere to the rigid safety standards of the EU.  Forget about having to forgo using lighter fluid in drinks in order to make them sweeter - you will find the cost to profit ratio in your favor.

4) You can drop the 'u', cease trying to speak and write what was once referred to as 'proper' English.  Your dictionaries will be use as door stops since they will no longer be required.

5) Your policiticans are going to love being members of the USA congress.  They will be able to sit back during their terms and relax for 50% of the time since they will know when the next election is approaching.  Then there is the added benefit of the 'job for life' opportunities that come with being elected to Congress.

5a) You will know who your leader is for 4 years at a time and you can enjoy the spectacle of the Presidential Election at first hand.  Of course you should take a beginner course in USA political campaigns before attempting to understand what is involved but the sheer absurdity of the amount of money spent on each campaign - which could wipe our a huge chunk of our national debt - is easily understood if one refers to point 5.

6) Our policemen all get to have guns!

7) Everyone gets to have a gun!

8) As members of the USA you will special discount packages to all Caribbean resorts, including Puerto Rico and Disneyland.

9) Our gas (petrol) is cheaper.

10) You won't have to concern yourselves about the French - we ignore them!

11) We may not offer the quality of many of your current food products but we offer greater variety and bulk!

12) We eat more!

13) We exercise less.

14) Your accents are considered sexy, cute, lovely here so you will all be able to find dates/partners will greater ease.

15) Our education system is .... do we still have one? Do you?

16)  We still have no qualms about driving our large, comfortable cars so you can stop buying those prams that you call cars and get real cars!

17)  We do work longer hours, outsource more, and have less benefits as workers than you do at present but hey we also have a Walmart in every town!

18)  Instead of approximately seventeen political parties campaigning in general elections you can enjoy the simplicity of the two, maybe three, party campaigns at local and national level.  It's much easier to follow debates when there are at most three participants.  Reread point 15.

19) You won't have to practice curtsying and bowing.  No more Sirs, Ladies, Lords and what have you. 

20)  You won't have to pay the Queen and Royal family a dime.



The list is long and I will stop before your rapid heart rate brings on a major health problem - no National Health! 

So dear Britian, potentially the 51st State of the USA, we await your decision. 

Yours in Good Health
The USA